I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Gosh-Darn It, People Like Me

I've been terrible about going to the gym, or staying in shape, for a few years. It's been a slow decline, and I've taken some satisfaction that the 20lbs (ok, ok, maybe more like 30lbs when I was a bit of an unhealthy skinny) has taken about 5 years to pile on.

My personal love-hate relationship with food has been in existence, um, forever. I don't know the stats, but count me into the group who struggled with body image issues and distorted perceptions of self. There were times I wouldn't eat, and if I could have made myself throw up, I'd probably been bulimic.

I played sports growing up, which to me, was a savior in terms of justifying eating. I also remember doing research on anorexia and bulimia for a middle-school project, which made me keenly aware the pitfalls of eating disorders.

So, being the smarty pants, I stayed on the edge. Not ever quite happy with myself, but where I figured I was out of reach of any "real" harm.

Except for when I'm severely stressed out. Then I go into "control" mode and either control all food and exercise excessively - or, worse - binge. (Still can't purge. Small blessings).

Where am I going with this?

Well, tonight I got my butt kicked at an at-work "bootcamp." Two realizations occurred, that I'm actually excited about:

First, I am out of shape. But rather than feel deflated, it reminded me why I like to work out.

Second, really I don't feel bad or like a bad person that I've been enjoying food (which in my emotional brain is a direct correlation to weight gain. Intellectual brain knows better.)

If you know me, you are probably surprised a little by the post. Today, I'm a total food snob, and love dining out. I enjoy eating, rather than looking at food as a horrible necessity by which I have to consume to survive.

In some ways, this weight gain has been good for me. I've learned to have less and less judgement on myself, and bought a few new pairs of pants and shirts in the next size. You know what? People still like me anyway....

Sure, I'd like to drop 20lbs this year (and yes, I will be counting 'cause I can't help it). But for now, I'm going to enjoy the physical activity for what it is - a fun activity that makes me feel better.