I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Gosh-Darn It, People Like Me

I've been terrible about going to the gym, or staying in shape, for a few years. It's been a slow decline, and I've taken some satisfaction that the 20lbs (ok, ok, maybe more like 30lbs when I was a bit of an unhealthy skinny) has taken about 5 years to pile on.

My personal love-hate relationship with food has been in existence, um, forever. I don't know the stats, but count me into the group who struggled with body image issues and distorted perceptions of self. There were times I wouldn't eat, and if I could have made myself throw up, I'd probably been bulimic.

I played sports growing up, which to me, was a savior in terms of justifying eating. I also remember doing research on anorexia and bulimia for a middle-school project, which made me keenly aware the pitfalls of eating disorders.

So, being the smarty pants, I stayed on the edge. Not ever quite happy with myself, but where I figured I was out of reach of any "real" harm.

Except for when I'm severely stressed out. Then I go into "control" mode and either control all food and exercise excessively - or, worse - binge. (Still can't purge. Small blessings).

Where am I going with this?

Well, tonight I got my butt kicked at an at-work "bootcamp." Two realizations occurred, that I'm actually excited about:

First, I am out of shape. But rather than feel deflated, it reminded me why I like to work out.

Second, really I don't feel bad or like a bad person that I've been enjoying food (which in my emotional brain is a direct correlation to weight gain. Intellectual brain knows better.)

If you know me, you are probably surprised a little by the post. Today, I'm a total food snob, and love dining out. I enjoy eating, rather than looking at food as a horrible necessity by which I have to consume to survive.

In some ways, this weight gain has been good for me. I've learned to have less and less judgement on myself, and bought a few new pairs of pants and shirts in the next size. You know what? People still like me anyway....

Sure, I'd like to drop 20lbs this year (and yes, I will be counting 'cause I can't help it). But for now, I'm going to enjoy the physical activity for what it is - a fun activity that makes me feel better.

Rambling.....

Every spring I go through a bit of cabin fever. Cleaning out of the old, wanting the new - or maybe - just wanting to break the norms.

My allergies have sucked this year, forcing me to stay inside and be on antibiotics, which, thankfully, have saved my lungs from their ever-building congestion.

But I've not been able to run. which feeds my cabin fever, which builds an self-feeding loop...yup, I'm aware.

But how many ways are we not aware of our own self-fulling cycles? I see people blame others, or not understand. Silly, really, since at the end of the day we really are just proving our worth - expressed in various strengths and characterizations that make this world fascinating....

So, before you jump down that person's throat about something, think they are out to get you, or even, think they are totally wrong - give them the benefit of the doubt.

After all, you don't know the shoes they've walked in and the experiences they have had to reach the opinions they are expressing...

My Dogs Are Too Smart....

So...

I love my dogs, but sometimes they can be a pain in the butt. Ginger, the long-haired, Prima donna dachshund, and Rocco, the 3.5-lb terror chihuahua, make quite the couple.

They like to bark at everything, every noise, everyone. Demand attention, and treats at 8:00PM every night. I like to call them "donkeys," just because I think its funny.

Well, they are no jackasses. I put them outside for the morning while our cleaning person went to work on the house. They barked at the door consistently, which annoyed me, and I repeatedly said in my strongest, deepest voice said "NO."

Finally, they were quiet. All was good, I went into my office to work. Suddenly, Patricia came into my office and stated "I think your dogs are at the front door."

"Huh? How can that be?"

"I don't know, but they are out there."

And sure enough, there were Ginger and Rocco. Apparently, they decided that the back yard wasn't good enough, and wanted in. They squeezed beneath the front gate, and tried the front door.

I have to say, I caved. They are hanging in the house, barking at the vacuum cleaner.